Associate to Dis-associate….Invariably in action

I was thinking over the weekend on how relationships work when this thought struck me. Associate to Dis-associate. Here relationships aren’t restricted to and go beyond the usual I love you, I miss you ones. They include the ones you have with family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Relationships and equations.

Fundamentally and structurally, you can segregate your relationships into two headings – Associate and Dis-associate. You may as well ponder on the process it took for the relationship to move from one category to another. It might be a static – one time process in some cases or a dynamic – yo yo swing process in others.

Now why do I need to form a relationship? It has more to do with what the other person brings to the table…what is in it for me. The underlying factors could be attraction, attachment , interests, attributes, knowledge, physical needs, gratification, values, and virtues and so on ….What do you do with them. Well, you need some or all of the above factors to fulfil your needs, desires, satisfy and grow in life.

You invariably strike a deal for your own benefit or for mutual benefit and associate with one another. When the association does take place, then why dis-associate. The phenomenon takes place when you can’t gain more – a stagnation is attained or you find avenues where gains can be maximized or simply because the ‘mazza’ in your relationship has evaporated.

So everything takes place for your own benefit, the self taking preference over everything else and progressing in preservation, a protection mode. A relationship has to be a beneficial one in order to succeed. I have made a rather one sided ruthless brutal remark without caring for or giving any due to the emotional concurrent connect side to it. I have seen emotions changing their course with time.

Last week, I went past a place which had a wonderful connect and a reserved place in my heart. The moment I ushered in, the memories recollected themselves with each corner speaking volume of tales, latching onto me, craving to be relived. Then suddenly everything stopped, I tried to kick start the stalled engine, it just won’t start.

My thoughts of the present took precedence over the past and burrowed through my mind. So either the connect wasn’t strong enough to be kept alive or I had decided to move ahead and strike a nail in the past forever.

On the contrary, I have been able to keep the memories alive and nurtured whenever I brush past them or meet individuals who shared or created those memories. This leads me to conclude that over a period of time, either I chose to keep my association intact or I went ahead and broke the association to form a new one, a more advantageous one.

The importance and order of things changes over the course of time. Our relationships and their nature of involvement shape as per the former statement. It is all but a natural routine order of things, one shouldn’t be dismayed, sad, futile or worse when they see themselves reduced to size in someone else’s life. For me it’s an evolving process which occurs silently and remains in action.

At times I have seen, felt and I will be more than forthcoming to admit that I have done the following. Giving cold shoulder to people with whom I had amazing moments and who were irreplaceable at a given point in time. Not replying, not responding, not valuing and at times taking them for granted.

I have a school of thinking which says that it must have something to do with the level of physical contact. The more you meet, greet, stay in touch or communicate over mediums, greater is the possibility of keeping the association intact. Yet, I have often put my trust in people I hardly know or infrequently interact with. Somehow I feel more secure with them. They don’t know me, so they won’t judge me is my propounding theory.

It is believed that you should know a person inside out, the more you know the better. It has lead me to troubles many a times because when I know more than what is required, I give a window of opportunity for  doubt, negativity and possibilities to creep in. This is something I have strongly observed that  knowing more can be more dangerous than helpful and it can put you at cross roads. You can’t decide on the side to choose when you aren’t sure of your own.

Try this exercise, think of anyone or name anyone you know. Your mind has an in built mapper tracker with the name you call out. There are directories which have been created for a person in your sub conscious. From appearance, physique, behaviour, demeanour, attribute, skills, experiences everything is captured in a capsule which is available in your subconscious to access.

This capsule memory comes into play in a situation where you are enacting a role and the other person is required to fill in a vacant spot. You picturize, analyse and evaluate the worth and utility of a person and decide whether it fits in your scheme of things. It is important to mention that it is not only your experience or opinion which is the deciding factor.

There are influences, feedbacks, narrations which also come into prominence while debating the worth. You can’t be the repository of anything and everything so you have to trust, believe and act on the opinion of others who form a value chain. Those 2nd or 3rd or 4th experiences matter significantly in your own formulations and propositions.

I have tried to put forth the story from different angles and perspectives as there can’t be a one size fits all approach. I believe that the phenomenon of associate and dis-associate is real, a process bound to happen, a sort of a ritual to perform. But Iam not really sure how the process works. It happens so subtly and so succinctly that the shift is difficult to comprehend and predict.

I think with more experiences, ripening age and growth of grey hair than white, I shall be able to exemplify my thinking, delve and understand the subject better.

A Parting thought

Happiness, at times is living with everything static and without changing anything. There should only be additions but no subtractions, all goody goody. But only additions lead to extra baggage on your shoulders and with passage of time it becomes more of a burden than comfort.

It is best to expunge, eliminate or archive regularly so as to extricate from the woes and stay light than full.


Deciphering Change

Change is a continuing process, happening day in and out. Yet we fear change, avoid change and skip a heartbeat when we hear change. Trying to change even a single thing saps out all the energy and leaves you drained – lifeless. It is indeed a tough ask to step out of your comfort zone and jump straight into uncharted terrains.

But alas, change is also pretty easy if you have the right armor in your arsenal. Change is required for you to evolve and grow as a person; you can hide behind but not avoid it. Here is a perspective on how you can embrace change, accept it outwardly and stay happy. I have put it in the form of a mathematical equation, more of a lucid way to put forth a thought.

Discontent of the present X Vision for future X First few steps X Resolve to pursue > Resistance to Change

You would not aspire for change if your present is perfect; it is only when it is imperfect that a need is generated for change. Lack of satisfaction and unfulfilled desires germinates a motivation which clings onto you and helps to dream and create a new future. This is the vision for future. The discontent of the present and vision for future work in parallel.

The mind sees the effects of actions occurring in present, correlates with the past and preempts a future based on correlative data analysis with causes and relations. The fear of failure, loss and despair acts a catalyst for the mind to seek comfort in new ideas for a better tomorrow. These ideas stored away in latent state are activated and nurtured to grow tall. They find favor with the soul which gives them strength and credence to stay afloat and become a reality.

You know what to do; you know why to do but still don’t have the courage to do what should be done. Without taking the first step towards change, the profound idea is only lyrical with no music. Suppose you are to climb a staircase to reach the fourth floor. Without taking the first step on the stair, you can’t reach the fourth floor. You haven’t seen what lies ahead on the staircase, there could be a dog lurking to bite you, a slippery floor to break your back.

You have to choose whether to take a plunge trusting your instincts and knowledge or whether to back out and give up. The first few steps cannot be undertaken without the resolve to pursue the chosen path passionately.

Change is a resistant band, it is supposed to strengthen not weaken you. You choose what you become when presented a situation which demands change. The friction is always from inwards than outwards therefore sparkles are bound to fly. The manner in which you treat and greet the need in times is all that matters and nothing else.

Ruffling Feathers

The eternal spring moves back and forth, the mighty river still cringes with a snort.

The pouty lips never belied the truth, nor did they gasp when it got so tough.

The foliage was soaked and bristling with life, the voice seemed calling from a distant right.

It didn’t take forever to realize what it was, but the world seemed crashing not far so long.

It hadn’t been a week nor a month, the air still smelt of the same rum.

The winds kept blowing through my face, reminding of the good old sunshine days.


Personality in action with variables

Action backed by instincts is more of a forlorn these days. Divination takes a back seat, what drives is the hollow crux symphony of planning, detail, craft and strategy. Hunches, it seems have lost their feet at times. A case in point, when a problem is encountered, the logical and rational (the more anglicized) approach is to look for causes, reasons and their inter-relationships. Lest I forget to populate your anxiety and stress levels in dealing with them on all available social networking platforms.It helps maintain your numero uno position for sure and keeps acquaintances occupied in dealing with your stuff.

I might have been a bit too hard with the last line. Discount for cobwebs and honey trees of relationships and catch the fixation points by the neck. A problem is more like a linear equation, having only two variables to solve. You are one variable of the equation and the problem is the other variable. The hard part starts when without solving the two variables at hand, we bring in other factors and lend credence and add value to their coming on board. Humans like solving polynomial equations, the more the variables, the merrier it is.

Half of the stress and agony is on account of this behavior, this particular trait and treading path. The emphasis should be first to solve the variables independently to wholesome satisfaction, belief and in wisdom. Then bring in the variables and instruct them to gel seamlessly with the solution. The solution to the variables is paramount and factors (circumstances in hindsight) have to be subservient to it and not the other way round. The variables must learn to adapt themselves to the solution attained. The joystick to the path should be firmly in your hand and not kneaded by anyone else.

We meet new people everyday, interact with them, put faith in their words and in some cases our whole life to that word. It is so very tough to decipher meanings of a conversation, to gauge minds and analyze whether they are fit to be a part of life chores. Everyone moves with a diverse set of personalities without him being aware of any. It is like you walking along side a pseudo self of yours. This pseudo self precipitates any attack on your ethos and pathos and camouflages to protect you and the mighty ego. 

When we hear others, we might be hearing what we want to hear courtesy of the pseudo self which fringes on recognition and applause to bolster itself. This in turn keeps both the participants in good mood, a symbol of a symbiotic relationship. The negative yearns to change signs and become part of a something for which it can be credited. It so happens so seamless as if you are accustomed to it. Is it bad to have two sets of a same person. The answer to this is ‘No’, to survive, succeed and accomplish one has to have a number of masks to protect the thy self and function in harmony.

The only thing to remember is not to forget the self which exists, the virtues and vices which he truly believes in, and the ethics and values which he worships. The karmic world plays all kinds of tricks and gives avenues for pleasures which is nothing but ‘mithya’. How we shape and control ourselves is nothing more than a probability and nothing less than a possibility. 

The Sleeping Madness

I sleep with madness around me, with a breath of hot air leaving a trail of fresh marks to follow. There is no substance or matter in it; it plays like dirt on the violin obscuring the only view left.  The times cris cross each other creating a matrix in the subconscious with no filler or attachment.

I think of things around me, things which obviate the dullness, the mundaness and more importantly any sadness which a day brings about. Reminiscing the moments of joy, the reasons associated with foolishness. Memories are not a vagabond; their strength toughens the bond of attachment and makes living worthwhile. They serve as a reminder to follow passions and grow stronger with each passing hour.

Illusions keep surfacing around me, I don’t know from where. The vague memories often stacked up in burrows keep bringing light back. The shadow on the floor develops into a proper image and then leaves with a gasp forever until consciousness is attained. Iam left to decipher meanings and messages arising from these illusions. These illusions surface from the unfulfilled desires and actions undergone through various levels of karma in life. They are in fact a guiding path linking the soul back to ponder over itself.

The difference between reality and illusion is a thin glass ceiling and borders on a hinge. Illusion rules roost if there is no track of reality. Illusion helps to build a world which is not truly ours, but which gives satisfaction and pleasure. One can either find solace in illusions and remain imbibed in them like a slave or get out and make a difference: a mark, a place for himself.

Purpose is a defining self, a vision and a motivation for which a person works endlessly in pursuit. Everything starts with a reason, a need which at times can be so powerful that it can change the very person from head to toe. We need to see something all the time to keep moving ahead, without purpose a person nothing less than a wanderer. The opposition to achieve a purpose comes from within, resistance to change. Change is always fraught with fear, fear of the unknown. It is the fear which devoids us from a path and enables to move in vicious concentric circles with no end.

To advance forthrightly, this fear has to be fought and shown the door. Risks have to be taken; circumstances are to be remodeled for achieving a goal. However, I think the more important point is to let go and move on. Even if a goal is fulfilled, you need to let go off the baggage and churn out the next one. There is no stopping once you have moved ahead. The mind needs fodder all the time, it cries and whines like a baby until its needs are not met.

Same is the case with failures, although I have a slightly different take on them.  Without experiencing failure, the true feeling, meaning and magnitude of success cannot be known. The antithesis of an emotion is the driving element towards an achievement. Learn to embrace the bitterness of defeat to enjoy the sweetness of success. The succor of success is no sweeter than the ignominy of defeat.

To reattribute, learn to get lost in a spiral. Drop yourself down to the bottom of the ocean and see the thrill of coming out intact, see the strength of your character. Try to know more about yourself, invigorate yourself to find out the real person behind the layer of polished glass. He that ruleth his own spirit is better than he taketh a city.

The Melancholy Strain

The heaven had not fallen out of grace; the listening grasshopper was still crawling down the trail, the efferent conjecture was growing with times, old like vile rumbling feathers for a while. The fork has never been so twirled; nothing seems more bewitched than another. The melancholy strain for all practical purposes has devoured another soul, preposterous it is for it to have committed such a ghastly act.

The dusk and the dawn are two sides of the spectrum, sangfroid if I may add with humility. I think at times how the mind ruminates with the soul to reach a decision and then unconsciously numbs the senses for a while to ease the pain. The tranquil saga burns in the gory of fire, a sight not be witnessed for the faint hearted but to be experienced in the strongest of willows.

It latches on to you, the melancholy strain, taciturn it may be..but it slows down and waits for the opportune moment to strike. You are nothing but a sitting duckling in front of it. It paralyses you from your gait to the bottom, crucifying itself within you trying to gain a space in the wandering you, living and fostering in the same habitat. Waiting to ease the loneliness out of you and decree a truce.

So what do you do in such a situation? You resist the shackles; lend yourself to false vanity and dignified arrogance. Vent the misgivings in some other direction, try to find fault with the silliest of things. Become the most inscrutable person ever and command things at your own will. Change opinions more frequently, lend credence to ideologies which never existed. Redefine your own purpose and ultimately try to destroy yourself with more harm than good.

Isn’t the music too good for the ears, the barks with the abysmal laughs not counting the vexed tarp? Nothing seems like what it was like, distant phases of memory seems to have scathed it beyond recognition.  The clairvoyant charm seems to have done its magic, entrapped within it you see nothing but plain trails of water like a mirage. I fail to look beyond the immediate ghosts, encircled with truth which has no meaning and perhaps no viral.

The steadfast flashbacks come slowly within the dreams, the nefarious design inculcating the most desirable. What do I desire from the melancholy strain, to reside within me or to leave me like an urchin? It lends pleasure to an ill will and never winds back. Perhaps it’s best to lose a part of you in an untiring matrix and lay sanely along the shore to let the trumpet blow the whistle. I have been infected with a wound which I fail shalom not to release. Not even in the imagined fields with the dusting weeds.

The stars might be changing positions in the sky, but one has not had a jinxed breath. It lies in the seething eyes building a castle and brewing hopes with one to fly. The turns might not be fluid, the bark may not have the strength to move, the acid leeches might cause blisters in the toe. There is still an undying hope, one which has no meaning and worth but is still reminiscent of the good old sunshine with spring onion freckles covering the blob.



Bluffing Relationship

It was as if the caustic touch had lost its sheen, its weight with concealed feelings dollops circling beneath the floor. Its presence was everywhere, the surrogate charm was gliding through the walls and asking for reprisal, for acceptance and yet he burned his face never to witness the fall from grace.

It is a tricky word relationship, its classification even more difficult and the task of rooting as well uprooting a most ardent one. There are many meanings attached to it, some are more causal, some platonic and others just for purpose. As the saying goes nothing in this world is without a sense of purpose. We seek pleasure in a relationship; we seem to grow and feed of its branches and then cut it down for some reason. Then cry and withhold ourselves for some time and then again are on the lookout for something we clearly despised some time back. It is more of an intoxication really; you can only buy time but not stay celibate forever. Alas you have a lifetime to play yourself around, to be surrounded by the fleeting smiles and the doldrums traversing furiously through your heart and lungs.

Expectations are a big problem, everyone says ohh!! We don’t expect anything for what we have done, what we did was out of sense of belongingness, for respect and duty. The truth is that we expect everything in return for whatever we do. It is like a barter system, you give some and you take some and if you have nothing with you, well I guess you need to pick some bargaining chips from the nearby casino. The strength of the barter is such that it can devastate and shatter yourself beyond doubt, you will be picking up pieces of glass lying shattered on the field and still not have a clue what went wrong.  It is no wrong to seek something in exchange for what you have done for others. The human mind castigates a web of emotions reminding you of every detail and then you respond to a stimulus.

Invigorating isn’t it!! but wait there is more to it. Time, Time and Time the first and foremost. Where is attention then, have I forgotten that they both cohabit each other!! One without the other is like food without stomach. And in case you have both, then slowly insecurity and trust creep out from the oblivion. So much to ingress in and so yet little to egress out. You empathize with a situation and put yourself in the same shoes to understand a point of view. It is of course a right way to go about it, but relationships are not about a methodology or a course to be followed. They are about going with the flow of emotions, the run of blood whisking into the neural connections and generating key signals. You totally devour to the taste without caring about the repercussions, keeping things aside for the things you value the most. The definition of value and importance changes overnight and you become a different person altogether.

Then why is it that I use the term bluffing. It is because you are playing a game of poker, playing through the other’s hand while you may not have the best hand. The pretentions are glaring, reality soaked into a solution churning out a whipping cream of a different brand. You tend to play along to suit yourself, to keep yourself in good humor. A person leverages his values, virtues, beliefs and his own self to nurture something he cherishes and enjoys the most. The imaginary castles are given a deftly blow by a single wrong hand. To keep it simple, relationships are a game of odds and probabilities; nothing was for real, all surreal. There is always a tipping point beyond which there is only a deep gorge, the choice is always in your hand. To simply walk away, to suffer the burden or to make it a pleasure worth enjoying and living.

The ethos and pathos can never be fully described but only felt, the experience leaves some scars which only time can heal. Beyond the tipping point, the control of the dagger and sword is lost forever. 

What is not truly yours !!

One thing goes and the other simply slides to occupy the vacant space. I think the lattice has an ample amount of free space to accommodate many, this I never realized. May be I didn’t look carefully; glancing only through a baton and then letting things grow out of bounds. Wishful thinking isn’t it !! But alas what one can do in this regard.

It is a fine morning as like any other in the sleepy corridors of Delhi, a bit of breeze with a grim ray of sunlight gleaming through the sky. It seemed that the night had finally ended, the mysterious ghosts letting their crawl out and then demoing back to where they truly belong.  The existence of the truth has always baffled me, the purpose of our existence. Why do we need to cohabit with everyone around us, respond to the stimuli, go through a gamut of emotions, tie and untie relationships, swing through the many moods and then look forward to repeating the same exercise ever so again?

Judgments, all the time are here to stay. It is as if they are hallowing a part within you and then unshaking the other to test your brittleness and yet in so many ways we like to judge everything we see. It was better being a child, the cycles of oblivion were much better than the future tense of truth which is reminded day in and day out. A boundary of a futile existence within a blinding dream, a craterous relationship bounded by rocks and hounding with nothing to repair.

The prisms are there for all to see, mirroring your own and at times telling a compelling and comprehensive story. The ends of learning are never there, it is as if each day a gem is polished a touch more.  I see people enacting their stories, their lives ruminating at different paces, each fighting for their space, ambitions and aspirations which they truly regard as their own.  But is it what they truly desire, couldn’t it be the lack of choice or the courage to choose the alternative path which is responsible for their present state of affairs. But, herein I make a preposterous assumption; they are not content with the path they have chosen. I can be at a prejudice; I might be taking leaves out of my own book and spreading it over a farm. The disease canvassing everything within its reach, but isn’t it just possible.

We are all humans after all, having the effective ability to camouflage and adapt according to the situation. The orgasmic pain with which we are all familiar lends a place to the plastic smile.  We seek company to keep us entertained, to feed the mind, we work to nourish and enjoy the pity self of us. The needs just doesn’t seem to reach the end of the road, they keep on mounting over and over. We have  ways to break the shackles and set us free and why don’t we do it. Simple, the pressure to keep up with the rest of us casts a shadow on our thinking and our reason of ourselves. The virtues and beliefs are tailored to suit the meeting requirements, and then shouldered over in times of conflict.

Some emotions are for sure real. The affection, the concern, the compassion, the friendships, the love which is exhibited in streaks of red is real. They allow you to make the place a better world, to forgo some of the desires, to derive happiness even in tiny bits and pieces. It is the result of an equation trying to balance itself. Every cause has an effect, the causal relationship and their interdependencies are so well striking and affect us in ways second to none. The mind works on a complex algorithm, it sees so much and takes everything into account to formulate a sense which then becomes a reaction, a response which it owns and a response which forms a basis for future decision making.

It is an accomplishment seeing life evolve and hurl you in the face of wind, but the experience is worth taking the pain with a ting of sadness woven into it.