I was thinking over the weekend on how relationships work when this thought struck me. Associate to Dis-associate. Here relationships aren’t restricted to and go beyond the usual I love you, I miss you ones. They include the ones you have with family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. Relationships and equations.
Fundamentally and structurally, you can segregate your relationships into two headings – Associate and Dis-associate. You may as well ponder on the process it took for the relationship to move from one category to another. It might be a static – one time process in some cases or a dynamic – yo yo swing process in others.
Now why do I need to form a relationship? It has more to do with what the other person brings to the table…what is in it for me. The underlying factors could be attraction, attachment , interests, attributes, knowledge, physical needs, gratification, values, and virtues and so on ….What do you do with them. Well, you need some or all of the above factors to fulfil your needs, desires, satisfy and grow in life.
You invariably strike a deal for your own benefit or for mutual benefit and associate with one another. When the association does take place, then why dis-associate. The phenomenon takes place when you can’t gain more – a stagnation is attained or you find avenues where gains can be maximized or simply because the ‘mazza’ in your relationship has evaporated.
So everything takes place for your own benefit, the self taking preference over everything else and progressing in preservation, a protection mode. A relationship has to be a beneficial one in order to succeed. I have made a rather one sided ruthless brutal remark without caring for or giving any due to the emotional concurrent connect side to it. I have seen emotions changing their course with time.
Last week, I went past a place which had a wonderful connect and a reserved place in my heart. The moment I ushered in, the memories recollected themselves with each corner speaking volume of tales, latching onto me, craving to be relived. Then suddenly everything stopped, I tried to kick start the stalled engine, it just won’t start.
My thoughts of the present took precedence over the past and burrowed through my mind. So either the connect wasn’t strong enough to be kept alive or I had decided to move ahead and strike a nail in the past forever.
On the contrary, I have been able to keep the memories alive and nurtured whenever I brush past them or meet individuals who shared or created those memories. This leads me to conclude that over a period of time, either I chose to keep my association intact or I went ahead and broke the association to form a new one, a more advantageous one.
The importance and order of things changes over the course of time. Our relationships and their nature of involvement shape as per the former statement. It is all but a natural routine order of things, one shouldn’t be dismayed, sad, futile or worse when they see themselves reduced to size in someone else’s life. For me it’s an evolving process which occurs silently and remains in action.
At times I have seen, felt and I will be more than forthcoming to admit that I have done the following. Giving cold shoulder to people with whom I had amazing moments and who were irreplaceable at a given point in time. Not replying, not responding, not valuing and at times taking them for granted.
I have a school of thinking which says that it must have something to do with the level of physical contact. The more you meet, greet, stay in touch or communicate over mediums, greater is the possibility of keeping the association intact. Yet, I have often put my trust in people I hardly know or infrequently interact with. Somehow I feel more secure with them. They don’t know me, so they won’t judge me is my propounding theory.
It is believed that you should know a person inside out, the more you know the better. It has lead me to troubles many a times because when I know more than what is required, I give a window of opportunity for doubt, negativity and possibilities to creep in. This is something I have strongly observed that knowing more can be more dangerous than helpful and it can put you at cross roads. You can’t decide on the side to choose when you aren’t sure of your own.
Try this exercise, think of anyone or name anyone you know. Your mind has an in built mapper tracker with the name you call out. There are directories which have been created for a person in your sub conscious. From appearance, physique, behaviour, demeanour, attribute, skills, experiences everything is captured in a capsule which is available in your subconscious to access.
This capsule memory comes into play in a situation where you are enacting a role and the other person is required to fill in a vacant spot. You picturize, analyse and evaluate the worth and utility of a person and decide whether it fits in your scheme of things. It is important to mention that it is not only your experience or opinion which is the deciding factor.
There are influences, feedbacks, narrations which also come into prominence while debating the worth. You can’t be the repository of anything and everything so you have to trust, believe and act on the opinion of others who form a value chain. Those 2nd or 3rd or 4th experiences matter significantly in your own formulations and propositions.
I have tried to put forth the story from different angles and perspectives as there can’t be a one size fits all approach. I believe that the phenomenon of associate and dis-associate is real, a process bound to happen, a sort of a ritual to perform. But Iam not really sure how the process works. It happens so subtly and so succinctly that the shift is difficult to comprehend and predict.
I think with more experiences, ripening age and growth of grey hair than white, I shall be able to exemplify my thinking, delve and understand the subject better.
A Parting thought
Happiness, at times is living with everything static and without changing anything. There should only be additions but no subtractions, all goody goody. But only additions lead to extra baggage on your shoulders and with passage of time it becomes more of a burden than comfort.
It is best to expunge, eliminate or archive regularly so as to extricate from the woes and stay light than full.